Inside a Marriage Intensive: Reflections from a Couples Therapy Weekend

This weekend I did something new! As I grow older, I appreciate even more the chance to learn and do something for the first time, and that new thing for me was participating in my first marriage intensive weekend for couples! I had the opportunity to be paired up with a couple for the entire weekend and walk them through several conversations meant to deepen and enrich their relationship. And whew — the title “intensive” sure is accurate! From the kinds of conversations we were having, to the amount of information we were learning about relationships, to just the time commitment we were all making to prioritize marriage over the weekend.

So today, I am still in my PJ’s at 9am on a Monday morning, still gathering my thoughts and reorienting myself as I process all that this past weekend held. And I am just feeling humbled. So, so humbled. I am touched by the vulnerability of all the couples who showed up. For themselves and for each other.

At the end of the weekend, all of us therapists got to join the couples in the “big group room” to hear them share their feedback on what they learned and what they’ll take with them in their relationship as they leave and go back to real life. They shared beautiful, insightful thoughts about learning that it’s better to share their pain with their spouse instead of holding it in, that vulnerability leads to connection, and that whatever reaction they were seeing on the surface from their spouse wasn’t the truest thing their spouse was feeling — but all of that wasn’t necessarily the touching part.

The touching part was just looking around and seeing all of their faces. Faces that were definitely tired and nervous, yet faces with a little bit of hope. Faces finding relief in what they gained from the weekend and feeling a little more steady in their relationships. Faces that were aware this weekend of intensive marriage therapy was just the start for them, but felt more ready to do the work needed to better their relationship.

And I just felt overwhelmed with gratitude for each of them. I felt an awareness of their preciousness. Their humanness. Their worthiness. These were people who were feeling scared, alone, and overwhelmed in their relationships, but chose to invest in a couples intensive. Here they were, spending an entire weekend, traveling from out of state, finding child care, pausing every other responsibility in their lives to be here.

No doubt every couple could have found an excuse to put this weekend off and not come. Life is demanding, and one thing I’ve certainly learned as an adult is that the demands don’t stop on the weekend. Yet, they still chose not to give in to those demands and showed up for each other instead, even though they were scared, anxious, or maybe even doubtful. And that is so unbelievably beautiful.

When you really slow down and appreciate all the factors that went into each of these individuals choosing a marriage intensive retreat to strengthen their relationship, it really is a miracle and a gift.

The weekend, of course, didn’t go perfectly. Some people shed tears, some experienced moments of intensity, and some even had moments of disengagement. But more importantly, there were moments of enlightenment, moments of deep emotional connection, and healing. That is the beauty of Emotionally Focused Therapy and immersive couples work.

It was an absolute honor to be part of such an emotionally enriching Christian marriage counseling intensive, and it was a reminder of the beauty of what being a counselor is all about. As a child of divorced parents, my heart will always be touched by couples who are willing to do the hard, scary, and vulnerable work of marriage counseling.

So thank you, God, for how you moved in everyone over the weekend, how you provided for each of us to be there, and I pray that each couple is feeling a little bit closer to you this morning. I pray that they continue to prioritize you and each other, and continue to work toward healing and growing closer. Thank you for the gift of marriage, and for designing us to be connected. Give us all the ability to hear each other more clearly and hold each other more gently. Thank you for your Son, and I pray all of this in Jesus’ holy name — Amen!

Thank you to Aron Strong and Lindsey Castleman, for letting me be part of such a beautiful weekend! Lindsey & Aron are co-founders of inRelationship and the creators of this couples intensive.