What Makes Love Last?

I learned so much from this book! It’s helpful for both clinicians and clients alike. Finishing this book reminded me why I enjoy the Gottman’s material so much, and why I enjoy counseling couples from a Gottman perspective.

So in this book, it of courses discusses betrayal, infidelity, and trust. How to avoid betrayal, how to heal from infidelity, and how to learn how to trust again. Even if your relationship has not experienced infidelity in an extreme way (sexual affair) there is still something for every couple in this book to learn because betrayal can include other things besides intimate affairs; conditional commitment, absenteeism or coldness in the relationship, or disrespect are just a few. And, of course, nonsexual affairs. In fact, anything that is a violation to trust, respect, and nurturance in a relationship is betrayal.

So why do cheaters cheat?

Well, you’d have to read the whole book to really find out, but to simply summarize chapter 3, cheaters cheat because of emotional distance. For too long unspoken feelings and true thoughts have led to resentment and feeling alone in the relationship. Too many “regrettable incidents” have gone not talked about. Sometimes couples mistake silence as avoiding conflict, but really, the silence is relationship neglect. And when someone is neglecting their relationship, it’s likely they’ll feel more lonely, therefore vulnerable to comparing their partner to someone else, real or imagined. That comparison is already betrayal, and keeps one from being fully committed to the relationship.

It’s normal for humans to experience fleeting sexual attractions, even when in a committed relationship. But this is dangerous to a relationship if emotional needs are not being met. As scary as it may sound, if the trust in your relationship is currently low, you need to talk about those sexual attractions even more. Emotionally confiding in someone else other than your partner creates even more distance in the relationship, hurting the trust even more. These conversations can be difficult, but a counselor can help facilitate these discussions.

An important takeaway from this book is that relationships can heal after infidelity. The infidelity is the opportunity to examine what is missing in the relationship, and you can create a new marriage or new relationships. With the right interventions, and talking about the betrayal, trust can be restored and healing is possible.