The New Monogamy
What a great read! And quick, too. I surprised myself with how quickly I was able to get through this one.. Exactly one week.
A few important things to understand about this particular book before I get into any of my thoughts; first the author of this book, Tammy Nelson, is a certified Imago relationship therapist. I am NOT a certified Imago therapist. I have not done any trainings for Imago nor have I received any supervision on this type of therapy. In fact, this book is kind of my first exposure to Imago. Imago is a type of therapy used for couples therapy, like Gottman therapy or Emotions Focused Therapy. I believe that all three approaches end up “saying the same thing”, but use different words/skills to get there. Imago focuses on healing childhood wounds and making unconscious patterns of behavior, well, conscious. Imago also uses structured dialogue techniques (this book includes many dialogue examples and sentence stems) to help facilitate safe, productive, and healthy communication. I personally implement Gottman strategies as directed by my supervisor. If you’d like more information on the difference between the two, please ask.
Ok now that the boring disclaimer-esque stuff is behind us, let’s get into this.
One of my favorite themes from this book is the idea that after an affair, your old marriage is dead. Gone. Grieve it. You’ll never be the same, your marriage will never be the same, and thank goodness! Because that old marriage is what got you to the point you’re at now. So, this is an opportunity to get excited for your new marriage. Whatever you were doing before wasn’t working, and if you’re both committed to staying in the relationship, it’s your chance to now create a new one that’s even better than before. This new marriage will be one that is more honest, direct, intentional, accepting, open, kind, and safe. This idea of grieving the old marriage and creating a new one can be really helpful to help move forward.
When you entered into your old marriage, you brought certain expectations into the relationship. Some of these expectations were explicit, meaning you had talked about them directly. Some examples of potentially explicit expectations include how you were going to divide up finances, if and when you’d have children, or where you two are going to live. However, you also came into the marriage with “implicit” expectations. These are the unspoken expectations, and they actually impact your marriage more. One example the book gives for an implicit expectation is friendship with the opposite sex. One partner might have entered into the marriage with an implicit expectation that having friends of the opposite sex was no big deal, while the other partner might have thought friends of the opposite sex were off limits. After an affair, it becomes clear which of these implicit expectations were not talked about enough, and in your new marriage, you’re going to talk about these things. And more. Wayyyyy more. Creating explicit expectations needs to happen in order to build trust in the relationship again, and it gives you two a chance to individualize your marriage more. Chapters 1-3 discusses these implicit and explicit expectations in more detail. Chapter 4 guides you through how to even start creating a vision for your new marriage, and chapter 5 will walk you through creating an entirely “new monogamy agreement”. A new monogamy agreement is like renewing your vows, but vows that are totally and completely personalized by you and your spouse. How sweet is that!
What’s important to hear from this book as well is that healing your marriage means you’re going to hear difficult truths about yourself from your spouse. There is no “one reason why all men (or women) cheat”. Every relationship is different, therefore whatever led to the infidelity in your marriage is unique to your partnership. This also means both partners played a role in how this happened. Don’t take this to mean that it was your fault you were cheated on. Ultimately, the one who engaged in the affair made that choice and it is their job to take responsibility for that choice without blaming the other. But, while healing, there will be things that will hurt to hear, and hurt to say, but it’s necessary to give and hear raw feedback from each other in order to create a new relationship where each partner feels fully heard and understood, therefore less likely to engage in infidelity again.
I’ll finish with this. Getting over an affair is painful, and there’s no timeline for how long repairing the relationship can take. But “making the effort can reveal a more mature side for both partners, leading to an overall more connected couple”. It’s possible you can have an even better marriage than you ever expected. If you can do these 3 things, you have a higher chance of saving your relationship after infidelity:
Take responsibility for your role in how your relationship got to this point.
Share your vision of your new future together and discuss your “new monogamy agreement”
Work on errotic recovery - date nights, talking about fantasies, create adventure, sensuality, and intimacy
That last point means you’re working on healing physical intimacy and your sexual connection. That may seem impossible right now, but the book normalizes all the fears, anger, and insecurity that come with this step.
If you and your spouse are trying to heal from an affair, I’d love to support you through that. While I may not use the exact strategies and steps from Imago therapy, it is still a great tool and we can discuss thoughts or curiosities you may have about this book or Imago in general.